[today’s run: track workout (best hand-timed 100: 18.0 seconds)]
I have some opinions about parenting. My wife and I discuss the issue frequently.
One of the difficulties is trying to measure the outcome and give some objective evaluation of success or failure.
We have compared the parenting styles of people we know, including the households we grew up in. Some parents are more strict. Some are more lenient. In my experience the strict parents can be more successful in establishing behavior but can also engender resentment. The lenient parents on the other hand must be prepared for the likely event that their children will not completely subscribe to the parent’s standards. (Convincing someone is much harder than coercion!).
I don’t think I was a very good parent when my kids were growing up. I don’t usually express my sense of failure because I don’t want my children to think I am disappointed with them. That is far from the case. I think they are some of the most interesting and likable people I know. My frustration is that I was unable to pass along to them some of the things I think are important. Not only that but I mishandled my priorities so that my focus on those things turned out to be in competition with my family’s needs. So instead of communicating importance, I think I planted a seed of annoyance, and maybe worse.
But as the years went by I tried to be repentant of that attitude and, while expressing my interests, enjoy my children and participate better.
Another problem I had in those years was a generally passive attitude. I might see something that I thought was not a good idea, or should have been discussed, and I would make the assumption that someone else was having the discussion, or assume that the kids would, for example, see when their friends were leading them in a difficult path (the assumption was that the kids could see what I could see).
I got better at that over time, I hope. I didn’t realize that my job was to impart information from one generation to the next. I must have assumed that would happen by other means.
Now that the kids are adults I think I do a better job of communicating “there might be some danger to watch for if you go this direction”. But I know they suffered because I either didn’t see the dangers or failed to communicate to them; they experienced struggles and pain unnecessarily.
Fatherhood is a difficult role. Somehow the kids think their parents are smart or have some insight. And they do in comparison to a kid! But also parents are just trying to figure it out as they go along, just like the kids are. When the kids were a little older we had some challenging health difficulties in the house and I think in some ways that made us all aware of how little the parents knew. It was “figure it out”, “do the best you can” from day to day. And some days were a fail. But it became more clear what we knew, what direction we were trying to take, and that we did not know how it was going to turn out. There was a lot more communication and working together.
Dr. Jordan Peterson, in his book 12 Rules for Life, says that parents have a duty to raise their children to be like-able, in the eyes of the parents themselves and therefore also in the eyes of the community and other people. By that measure things turned out much better than I deserved. I’m thankful for that.
And I’m thankful that they haven’t given up on me. We all still talk frequently and I get to hear about their experiences and challenges.
They do physical feats that amaze me. They are very good people. They aim toward high moral standards, are generous, are interested in the well being of those around them. When I think about the impact my existence on the Earth may have had, bringing them into the picture is the number one good result. The world is a better place with them here.
So, when my wife and I talk about parenting, usually my bottom line is that most people with young children have no clue. They are trying to get past the screaming and crying and dirty diapers and whatever other horrors make up their day, but still have live, healthy children when the sun goes down. And that some expression of humility and an aim for love will cover a lot of gaps. It worked for me.