Giving up

It turns out that one of the (unintended) threads of my trip to Des Moines was a reflection on parenting.

In two conversations the subject came up of parenting, and getting children launched on life and the hit and miss prospects, particularly in the area of world view and religious tradition.

I have two children and if it is my task to transmit to them a world view, I would say my aim was somewhat thwarted, by multiple things, the first being that they lived with me through good and bad over many years and could see where I actually lived my stated world view and also the utility or futility of whatever attempts I made to do so.

At the same time a large variety of cultural influences offered other world views and I was ignorant or lazy in response. A lot of parenting at the beginning is setting boundaries and defaults to simplistic “don’t do that” kind of statements and behavior. That seems to fall apart rather quickly, probably proportional to the amount of mental/physical/philosophical freedom given to the child. Once you introduce your child to alternatives, then they are going to be making choices and some of the choices are not the choices you would recommend. [There has been a mystery to me that stricter parenting can easily lead to relationship damage from domination but at the same time seems to actually produce more conformity. I think I’m starting to see why.]

It turns out that the kids you told to eat their vegetables actually have to be convinced, be sold on the idea, internalize it and embrace it… or they will grow up to eat french fries and soda like you sometimes do and everyone else does, and the Mountain Dew commercials say is the best way to go.

When it comes to religion and world view, first of all there isn’t much conversation about those with children, it is frequently assumption based on tradition or what the parents may think is obvious utility. I have to admit that probably two of the top subjects for thought and personal reflection: religion and sex, weren’t covered in conversation either as I was growing up or as my children were. There was a lot of good example, but not so much of practical instruction.

So one conclusion is that I really wasn’t a very good parent. Some of my actions were actually counter productive (I’m shocked! shocked!)

My particular espoused world view is orthodox with a small ‘o’ Christianity which includes some serious perks. First of which is an almighty creator who is interested in the lives of individuals. And that gives me a comfort, or maybe a cheat code depending on one’s point of view, in that my failings are frequently plastered over with divine grace to fill in the glaring gaps and obvious flubs. It’s a danger to laziness because I can come to rely on that in a flippant way. But at this point I’m not being flippant at all.

My thoughts in these posts are not very well organized. I guess I don’t write well on the fly. I think there were other things I wanted to say…

But I find myself with a conclusion of sorts: that I owe it to my adult children to make a case for my religion and its benefits in the same way I should make a case if asked to do so to a stranger. The fact that I didn’t make the sale in the past and assumed transference shouldn’t mean that I give up or ostracize or in any way cut someone off. And there may be a line of politeness to observe, to keep from being an ass about it, and to attempt to love and to be an example of the divine love I would claim is out there and greater than that of a parent.

Which reminds me of a lost thread that I wanted to cover… and that is faith. If I’m going to live by this christianity religion which includes faith in an invisible creator who is interested in the lives of individual people and their well-being, it is a defect to lose hope, to think that he will do less than good for me and for my loved ones.

In conversation this past week the idea came up of personal faith and how that can be prompted by great challenges and loss in life. Thinking of one’s children, it is both a desire that they believe, but also a desire that they not suffer great challenges and loss in life. Contradictory, as you can see. But again, an area for faith that He will bring them through the challenges.

It is a complicated thing, a burden of sorts, but also a challenge containing the seeds of hope. Which brings me around to the title I put on this post. I give up my children to the Lord. He is their creator. I hope that I can represent Him to them in some way that is helpful and I hope I can represent them in prayer to Him in some way that is worshipful. They are amazing people, and the world is fortunate to have them. And I hope I can give them a glimpse of how He is uniquely awesome. If nothing else, they can see how He has been so good to me.