{"id":2848,"date":"2015-01-25T16:51:34","date_gmt":"2015-01-25T22:51:34","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/w0ep.us\/TM\/?p=2848"},"modified":"2015-01-25T16:51:34","modified_gmt":"2015-01-25T22:51:34","slug":"laughing-so-hard-im-crying","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/w0ep.us\/TM\/?p=2848","title":{"rendered":"Laughing So Hard I’m Crying"},"content":{"rendered":"

Many of you have probably already read this. \u00a0I know I had read it before but had forgotten just how funny it was. \u00a0I almost didn’t read it again. I mean, I knew it was funny but seeing as I’m killing time online, I decided to read it again. \u00a0Now, I am going to share it with you.<\/p>\n

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Like everything in life, farts have a time and place.\u00a0However, I never realized that in the wrong time and place, flatulence had enough power to alter my course in history. Well, it can if it\u2019s the third date with the man of your dreams.\u00a0And, if it makes his eyes burn.\u00a0If God destined us to be together, I was one SBD away from foiling His plans (that\u2019s \u201cSilent But Deadly\u201d for you prudes).<\/h2>\n<\/div>\n
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It was about five years ago.\u00a0I was trying to lose a few pounds so I was staying away from carbs.\u00a0That\u2019s when I met my husband, Rob.\u00a0On our first date, he booked the next two.\u00a0He liked me.\u00a0I liked him.\u00a0Things were looking real good.<\/p>\n

He picked me up in a Cobra, Mustang and his pathetic attempt to win me over with a car totally worked.\u00a0I\u2019m not shallow, but since I spent most of my twenties picking men up because I didn\u2019t want my hair to frizz in their non-air conditioned jalopies on 3 wheels and a 15 year old spare, I welcomed his fancy sports car with open arms.<\/p>\n

We arrived at the restaurant and Rob was ordering food I hadn\u2019t allowed myself to eat in years. I didn\u2019t want to be \u201cthat girl\u201d so I ate, drank, and oh, was I merry.\u00a0Later we shopped a bit. Rob surprised me by buying an expensive pair of shoes that he caught me eyeing.\u00a0Was this love?<\/p>\n

That\u2019s when it happened.\u00a0Gas strikes in two different ways – uncontrollable toots or sharp, shooting pains that feel a lot like dying.\u00a0I thought I was dying.\u00a0Not to make a scene, I told Rob I suddenly wasn\u2019t feeling well and probably needed to head home.<\/p>\n

On the way home in his Cobra, he tried to hold my hand and ask me lots of questions, but I wasn\u2019t having any of it.\u00a0The pain was so bad it felt like I was being stabbed with a bunch of tiny forks.\u00a0Then I realized …<\/p>\n

My God, help me.\u00a0I have a horrendous fart on deck.\u00a0I\u2019m in trouble.\u00a0Big trouble.<\/p>\n

The more I held it in, the more pain would shoot through my stomach and down my legs.\u00a0I was even having to raise myself off the seat, gripping on to my door and the dashboard.<\/p>\n

\u201cSeriously, you need to hurry – I\u2019m in a lot of pain.\u201d I managed to say through gritted teeth.<\/p>\n

\u201cWow, it\u2019s that bad?\u00a0What\u2019s wrong? Do I need to take you to a hospital?\u201d<\/p>\n

How do you tell a man you just started dating that the reason you\u2019re writhing in pain is because you have to fart?<\/p>\n

Well, you can either tell him, or like me, let the fart speak for itself.<\/p>\n

People, hear me.\u00a0There was nothing I could do.\u00a0As impressive as I am with sphincter control, this was out of my hands.\u00a0Slowly, it eeked out.\u00a0The more I tried to stop it, the more it forced its way through the door.\u00a0However, to my pleasant surprise, there was no sound.\u00a0I sat silently, sweat accumulating above my upper lip.\u00a0Ok, maybe I got away with it.\u00a0Maybe I\u2019m home free.\u00a0Then it hit me.\u00a0Not an idea, a cloud.\u00a0A horrific, fart cloud.\u00a0Not in a, \u201cAm I smelling something?\u201d sort of way.\u00a0More like a \u201cIs someone dead and rotting in your trunk and am I in hell?\u201d sort of way.<\/p>\n

Suddenly, I panicked.\u00a0\u201cRoll down the windows!\u201d I screamed (yes, I literally screamed it like I was in a horror movie).<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat? Why?\u201d Rob asked, starting to freak out because I was freaking out.<\/p>\n

\u201cI can\u2019t roll down the windows, unlock it!\u00a0 UNLOCK IT!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s going on?\u201d Rob yells back to me, \u201cWhy are you …\u201d then it hit him.\u00a0I could see it in his eyes.\u00a0Was it surprise?\u00a0Horror? Water started to accumulate at the base of his eyelids, \u201cOh my God, I CAN TASTE IT!\u201d he screamed.<\/p>\n

\u201cRoll down the windows!\u201d\u00a0As I screamed, the toots started to flood out uncontrollably.\u00a0I scratched and clawed at the window like I was being kidnapped.\u00a0Rob, unable to see either by fart cloud or panic, kept turning on the windshield wipers instead of unlocking the window.<\/p>\n

It was chaos.\u00a0We were acting like we were under siege by gun fire.\u00a0We were under siege alright, just not by gun fire.<\/p>\n

Finally he was able to hit the right control and he rolled down our windows.\u00a0We both gulped in fresh air.\u00a0I was horrified, yet happy to be alive, then remembered I just farted on the man of dreams, then sorta wished I was dead.<\/p>\n

We sat silently for the rest of the way home.\u00a0Although the shooting pains had subsided, I now desperately needed to use the bathroom, in an urgent, explosive kind of way.<\/p>\n

He pulled up to my apartment and before he could come to a stop I had already jumped out, \u201cOk, thanks for dinner, sorry about the fart, love the shoes!\u201d and ran in to my apartment like I was running from the cops.<\/p>\n

I burst through my door and ran straight for the bathroom, where I was finally able to unleash and make noises that no one should ever, EVER, hear coming from another person.<\/p>\n

Then I heard it.\u00a0Rob\u2019s voice.\u00a0Right.\u00a0Outside.\u00a0My. Bathroom.\u00a0Door.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnna?\u00a0You left your shoes in my car and your front door was open.\u00a0Where do you want me to put them?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGet away from the door!\u201d I screamed like Reagan from The Exorcist.<\/p>\n

\u201cOk, I\u2019m sorry.\u00a0Are you okay?\u201d<\/p>\n

*toot* *toot* *splatter* *ungodly noise*<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m fine, Rob – just leave the shoes there.\u00a0I\u2019ll call you later okay?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOkay, are you sure you\u2019re …\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m fine!\u00a0Get away from the door!\u201d<\/p>\n

This man!\u00a0I mean, I love him, but take a freakin\u2019 hint!<\/p>\n

Finally, I heard the front door shut, and the Cobra engine zoom away.\u00a0I thought that was the last I\u2019d hear from him.\u00a0I didn\u2019t think it was possible to ever see a man again after he screams he can taste your fart after only knowing you for 48 hours.<\/p>\n

But, to my surprise, I did.\u00a0A couple days later, actually.\u00a0Now we\u2019re married and he\u2019s lying on the couch while I type this … \u201cIt was your rack that saved you,\u201d he just lovingly reminded me.<\/p>\n

Well, thank you boobs. You saved us. You saved our destiny.<\/p>\n

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Many of you have probably already read this. \u00a0I know I had read it before but had forgotten just how funny it was. \u00a0I almost didn’t read it again. I mean, I knew it was funny but seeing as I’m killing time online, I decided to read it again. \u00a0Now, I am going to share […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/w0ep.us\/TM\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2848"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/w0ep.us\/TM\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/w0ep.us\/TM\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/w0ep.us\/TM\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/w0ep.us\/TM\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2848"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"http:\/\/w0ep.us\/TM\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2848\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2850,"href":"http:\/\/w0ep.us\/TM\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2848\/revisions\/2850"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/w0ep.us\/TM\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2848"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/w0ep.us\/TM\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2848"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/w0ep.us\/TM\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2848"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}